Blog Post Title Four

Hi social media world!

To be completely honest, I am surviving and hopefully will start thriving soon. Life is hard. For the last 16 months. I have been trying to be the best version of myself.

I have been doing my best to run after God. I want Him to use me. I want God to use the story He has written for my life so others can see his Glory. I have been so out of my comfort zone talking about my life on social media. Opening up and pouring my heart out to the world is not easy. I second guess myself the whole time I am writing. I think about deleting what I posted because what if I am being to real with my struggles and people look down upon me.

Let me be very raw and real. The last 16 months have 1000% been the hardest months of my life. Because for the 1st time trauma that is happening in my life is affecting the love of my life as well. For the 1st time I am not alone. My wonderful, amazing, and loving husband may not know the physical pain I am still in after our 3rd miscarriage (which I do fully believe was twins) but he understands the mental trauma. I had even prayed to be pregnant on my birthday. My prayer was answered but I was not able to stay pregnant for the 3rd time. We would have had a 8 month old (depending final due date) by now if our 1st pregnancy did not fail. Life would look extremely different.

I try really hard everyday not to cry but if we are starting this blog off the right way with complete transparency. I have failed at that standard I set for myself everyday since I got a message in my OB portal that flipped my whole world upside down…again.

Yes, my 3rd miscarriage was confirmed by a text sent through my online messaging portal with my old OBGYN. I was not even bleeding at the time, having a great morning. Just thanked God for the millionth time for allowing us to be pregnant again. I was so happy that we were almost to getting an ultrasound picture at 10 weeks. I didn’t care that I was nauseous when I ate. I was just so thankful to have a living baby in my belly. I thought we were in the clear- I was on Clomid for the 1st time- 3rd time is the charm right?- oh the due date would have been in May right when Shylar gets out of school. So we would both be home in the summer to spend 3 whole months as a little family with our newborn. It was going to be perfect, or so I thought - talk about one of the worst panic attacks of my life.

I could not believe that God would allow another loss to happen. I have been reading some of my past journal entries from my 1st miscarriage lately. I guess when you don’t have social media apps on your phone - you find actual productive and healing things to do.

But I had wrote “I will not be able to survive if this ever happens to me again.” Spoiler alert- I am still alive by the grace of God. There has been extremely dark times since we lost our 1st baby in July 2024 but I have not gone back to any of my old coping mechanisms that the devil conveniently reminds me of when I am trigger by the smallest things.

There is a whole long deep spiral mess that is slowing staring to be a smaller mess. But let me just be so real with saying life absolutely sucks sometimes. There are days I can not even motivate myself to get out of bed. But God, is slowing healing me every time I just flip my physical Bible open and read a chapter.

The devil loves to bring a few evil phrases to my head. “I am not enough”, “I killed all 4 of my perfect babies” (Because I am convinced God answered my prayer of twins with this last pregnancy), “I am too fat to become pregnant” (The devil gets me with this one because an easy way to pushing myself for killing those babies) I just don’t eat- then people will say how good I look and ask how much weight I lost. I know that is not healthy. But God has always remind me to eat when I need to. That may just be one meal a day sometimes but gosh dang that one meal is always a very nutritious meal.

Circling back with telling God to use my story for his glory. If I have to endure all of this so my sister does not have to- I would let it happen again. Going through the loss of 3 different pregnancies in such a short period of time makes me respect my sweet, kind, and loving mother just that much more. If my mom can be the God fearing woman, I have looked up to for so long and she endured the same heartache of loosing 3 babies in between Molly and I. Can I survive it too?

God wants me to say the answer is yes. Even if I question that answer in the deep dark valleys.

We live in an evil, broken, and fallen world. Unfortunately, that means miscarriages are a thing. I have been in a healing deep dive after this 3rd pregnancy. To hopefully decrease the chances of this happening a 4th time after a much needed break.

A deep dive in a good way. I have spent countless hours researching by listening to podcast, reading books, and ultimately reading anything I can find from both sides of any topic that may alter my body.  (thank you to everyone for all the recommendations!)

I now feel very strongly about how messed up this world is. The things we allow to be normal that are so far from. The things that are legal to put inside our bodies.

I have started to question just about everything and formulate my own opinions. Not just the opinion of someone else. If I am personally right with our amazing God and right with the soulmate God hand picked for me- I am okay with going against what may be “normal” to our sinful world. I have seen physical and mental evidence of the good that comes from going against what the world has deemed “normal”.  

Let’s just say I have a very long list of things to do and not to do if you ever want to be pregnant. We have the getting pregnant thing down. Wonder what the world record is for most pregnancies in the shortest amount of time…(do they have to be completed pregnancies to count? lol)

I have been failed by the healthcare system. I have been told that I am “normal” they can not find anything wrong with either of us. Yet, we have gotten pregnant 3 times in 15 months. That is not normal, getting pregnant is supposed to be the hard part. The “easy” part of staying pregnant has been 0/3 . That is not “normal” in my book.

I would love to eventually tell the happy side of the more beautiful 8 weeks we had until the 2nd baby of this pregnancy finally left my body (I was about to have to have a D&C because my body refused to pass the dead baby that was inside of me for over a week) but I am not in the best headspace to be able to tell that story without having a panic attack.

I do want to tell everyone about some really exciting things that are happening in my work life! I have started 3 businesses during this time of healing and heartache!

Thornton Agency - my 1st business baby!

Blessings Bakery - my 2nd business baby!

Peggy’s Place - my newest and 3rd business baby!

God has given us a vision for our future family! We are running with open arms towards Gods plan. We are extremely blessed with the businesses God has allowed us to be a part of!

If you are looking for a remote job, do not have life insurance, mortgage protection, or a retirement fund- I am your girl!

If you have not tried some of the best homemade goods from Blessings Bakery- I am happy to make some for you!

If you are looking to make the positive switch for your family by purchasing all homemade products- We have you covered at Peggy’s Place!

If you personally make anything homemade- We would love to work with you on making your product available at Peggy’s Place! We are taking applications now!

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to check out my new website! We truly love each business God has allowed us to start!

Love,

McKenzie Thornton